He Just Doesn't Listen
Simple ways to avoid the communication pitfalls between men and women
By Joanna Rustin

As Jane sits down for a scheduled meeting to discuss the Jefferson account, Tom is busy on the computer. He barely acknowledges her presence. Finally he looks up and says: “What’s up?” Jane reminds him of the meeting and Tom says, "Oh yea, yea, that’s right! What’s on your mind?”

Because Jane has four major interrelated issues that require immediate attention, she begins describing them to Tom and detailing how each affects the other. She is passionately laying out her case when she notices that Tom’s attention has drifted back to the computer. Jane thinks to herself: “Why bother, he just doesn’t listen!”

Sound familiar? Was Jane correct in thinking Tom wasn’t interested? Perhaps. But there could be another answer. He was frustrated! Tom may have had difficulty following Jane’s train of thought. As you will see, Nature has designed men and women to process verbal information in two very different ways.

Did you know that evolution has given the male brain 6.5 times more processing power (gray matter) than the female brain? Does that make them smarter than women? No, for Nature gave women 10 times more connections between their processing centers (white matter). You may be asking: “So what? Why is this important?”

The short answer is; miscommunication. These differences profoundly affect how men and women communicate. Think of the brain as computer that processes information from the senses. The gray/white matter difference is at the heart of how the two brains process this information.

Having more gray matter, men are able to devote large amounts of processing power to a task. However because of the limited connections between these processing centers, they are forced to concentrate on one problem at a time. In essence their brains are like serial processors. Huge resources devoted to one thing at a time. One task must be completed and saved before a new task can be started.

Have you ever opened one program on your computer and received the warning: “Program not responding?” Well, that’s exactly what happens when you try to open up too many “programs” – that is, subjects – with a man and/or open them up too quickly.

Women on the other hand are just the opposite; they are capable of processing many things at the same time. Most females can easily handle multiple threads of thought at one time. They can begin with one thought, jump to another, and then on to another – keeping track of all of them (and all the detail) while moving back and forth among the various ideas as necessary. That’s parallel processing.

I am not inferring that men are incompetent. They are not and neither are women. It is just that we take in and process information in different ways. Understanding this will help you realize that when a man does not seem to be listening or is pushing you away, it can be a signal that he is not able to process the information in the way you are delivering it. When this happens, use the PAPER Method to match his processing style.

Women from my “HeSaid-SheHeard: A Woman’s Guide to Working with Men” workshop have told me that this is one of the most powerful communication tools they have. I encourage you to try it; you will be astounded by the results!

Sidebar: He Said, She Heard

I developed the following technique to help you get the most out of your interactions with men. It is a simple five-step process, and I gave it a simple name to make it easy to remember (hey, I am a guy, right?). It’s called the PAPER Method©.

PAPER Method is the acronym for these steps:

P: PRIORITIZE
A: AGREE
P: PAUSE
E: EXHALE
R: REPEAT

Exercise

1. PRIORITIZE the topics you want to cover:

Ask for input and agreement.
Cover the FIRST topic.

2. AGREE on the next steps (Who, what, where, when, why and supporting evidence).

3. PAUSE and EXHALE (1 – 2 seconds for saving the current file and opening up a new one).

Stop for a momentary break to let the other person catch a breath.
Then ask: Ready to talk about (the next subject)?

4. REPEAT with each topic.

Learn More

Brain Sex, Moir & Jessel
Brain Gender, Hines
Psychology of Gender, Eagly, Beall, Sternberg
He Just Doesn’t Listen, Michael Johnson

As seen in this issue of Connections magazine:

Michael Johnson

Michael's Two Cents

Men & women process
information differently.

The business implications
are substantial.

With the right tools, it’s easy to get the outcome you want.

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