From Conflict to Connection
6 principles for success at work
By Justine Durrell, Dana Curtis, Maja Ramsey and Rebecca Westerfield

Conflict arises in all areas of our lives, from our most intimate relationships, to our co-workers, our political opponents and all the connections in between. Conflict is basically emotion driven, that is, we are unlikely to experience conflict within ourselves or with others in the absence of emotion. Because our emotions are stirred by others’ actions and words, it is an indication we are interested, attached, concerned or in some way moved. As our feelings are aroused, creative tension fills the air and an opportunity arises for making a deeper connection with genuine understanding.

The good news is that many people are interested and developing methodologies for transforming conflict. People with good skills and tools are introducing them into our workplaces, schools, neighborhoods, Congress, and various other venues. While numerous techniques to transform conflict exist, we provide the following guidelines for engaging another person, with whom you have conflict, in a difficult conversation around issues that may look like roadblocks to your relationship and be interfering with the tasks you need to accomplish at work.

1. Set context and structure. Tell the other person you would like to meet for a specific period of time (i.e., 1 hour), at a neutral location that provides both safety and privacy.

2. Set intention. Convey to the person with whom you have the conflict, what your intention is for the meeting. For example, “I was hoping we could meet to discuss our disagreements around the implementation of the new personnel standards you designed for our department. I would like to understand better your thinking and more clearly communicate my concerns in hopes we can work together more effectively.”

3. Listen and show respect. When the meeting begins, be willing to listen carefully, respecting the other person. Try not to interrupt and after mindfully listening, reflect back your understanding of what the other person said.

4. Identify your emotions. As you listen to the other, also listen to your own emotions. Are you feeling angry, hurt, disgusted, hopeless or perhaps excited and delighted? Know your own emotions and choose which ones, if any of them, to share. It is important to disentangle the impact the conflict is having on you (e.g., your emotional suffering) from the other person’s intention.

5. Tell the truth. Generally we feel threatened when in conflict, blaming and judging the other person for the problem. This is when the difficult task of truth telling must be faced. Tell your view of the story authentically without blame or judgement. This requires you to identify and communicate your own contribution to the conflict. Ask yourself realistically, “What did I do to help cause the situation?” It is important to tell the other person what your contribution has been to the conflict, no matter how small you think it might be. This creates an opening. To acknowledge your contribution in no way negates the other’s contribution. If possible, clarify what you would like the other person to do differently and explain how that would help you. Also, ask what you could do differently to help the situation.

6. Remain open to outcome. Not every conflict can be resolved or transformed. There may not be a deepened connection as a result of the conversation. However, without trying there is unlikely to be any improvement, and tensions may escalate. In entering into the conversation, during the conversation and afterwards, it is important not be attached to an outcome. To be stuck on your idea of how the situation should resolve sets up an obstacle to the mutually creative process.

These principles are only a few of the possible ways of entering into a difficult conversation with the intention of transforming the conflict into a connection. We hope they are helpful and offer them with the advice that the work begins with each individual and requires practice, practice, practice.

As seen in this issue of Connections magazine:

Justine Durrell, Dana Curtis, Maja Ramsey and Rebecca Westerfield

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